Dusty Newspaper Clippings and other mental disorder: January 2005

Performed forty minutes of self-punishment on the stairmaster tonight.

I'm so into this song right now. It is me.

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"
Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

I haven't been into Green Day since the Dookie album, but I'm really diggin' their latest stuff. I love when a band can come together. Speaking of Dookie, this oldie but goody still speaks to me:

"Longview"
Green Day

Sit around and watch the tube,but nothing's on
Change the channels for an hour or two
Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
I'm sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I'm fucking lazy

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going BLIND!!!
And I smell like shit

Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving
I sure as hell can't do it by myself
I'm feeling like a DOG IN HEAT
Barred indoors from the summer street
I locked the door to MY OWN CELL
And I lost the key

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going BLIND!!!
And I smell like shit

I GOT NO MOTIVATION
WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION
NO TIME FOR THE MOTIVATION
SMOKING MY INSPIRATION

Sit around and watch the phone,but no one's calling
Call me pathetic,call me WHAT YOU WILL
My mother says to get a job
But she don't like the one SHE'S got
When masturbation's lost its fun
You're fucking lazy

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn BORED
I'm going blind
And loneliness has to suffice
Bite my lip and close my eyes
I was slipping away to paradise
Some say,"Quit or I'll go BLIND."
But it's just a myth

I was living in San Francisco when that came out. It was apt then, and it's apt now.

Thank God January's over. That's all I've got to say.

Don't have much time. I missed my first class; not getting off to a great start. I don't seem to have much of a sense of commmitment. Not sure how this semester's stacking up. Linguistics is only mildly interesting, and useless at that. German, which is a conversational class worth only one credit, was supposed to be "lighthearted" and "fun" but the teacher's a fucking Nazi, Jesus. So heavy-handed and authoritarian it takes any fun out of it. I'm petrified to speak up in class and, being interrupted and corrected every other word, what little German I possess takes flight. And then, of course, there's the watercolor, which is hard but might get better.

You know, fuck, I hate school. But I hate work more. What is there in this life for me?

I have no idea what possessed me to take watercolor. Holy shit. Hour and a half, I'm so sure. Did two of the four and now I'm going to bed.

I wish to fuck I could be satisfied doing something more "conventional." This creativity shit is cramping my style.

These damn cats have found out how to get to the top of my wardrobe. Plants knocked over, check.

I'm covered in paint and I don't care. Good night.

I know this is juvenile of me, but I fucking hate homework. Hate it. I resent the intrusion on my time (for the same reason, I despise overtime at work. Despise it). Right now I'm doing the watercolor homework: four paintings of a still life using different methods to depict value. He said he didn't want us to spend more than an hour and a half on it -- well, it took me an hour to draw the fucking shapes. I'm hating this. I mean, we spent the last six hours of class dicking around and then he assigns homework. Pfffftthh.

I'm not into horoscopes except for half-heartedly and with a grain of salt, but check this out:

January 31-February 6: You’ve had it up to here with others’ whiny psycho-drama. You’ve been as patient as possible, but are finally fed up. It’s time to trade in the social or romantic relationships that are all pain and no gain. If someone wants to leave, help ‘em out the door. All this kvetching has toughened your hide, leaving you fresh out of tea and sympathy – and besides, who’s there to catch you when you fall? You’re a premier survivor, darling. Even when alleged pals let you down, you always bounce back with a vengeance – and new luggage.

I think that's the most positive thing I've read in a while.

You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

No surprises there. I've been lonely most of my life, I think.

Having the latest offering from Taco Smell, but not enjoying it very much--I don't think I'll even finish it, ugh. There's this older white dude who works there who pays a tad bit too much attention to me and it makes me uncomfortable.

My doll isn't garnering much response on eBay, and do you know what I just discovered? I forgot to make bidding anonymous, as is the usual custom in dolly circles. CRAP. And now someone's placed a bid so I can't change it. Oh well, at least it's selling, even if it's for the paltry opening bid price.

These cats are a dilemma for me. I picked them up from a corner of the parking lot of my complex last September because someone in the leasing office told me that animal control had been called on them, meaning certain death. I actually wasn't going to get involved but for some reason I went to see the kittens for myself, who were perhaps 2-3 weeks old at the time, and the siamese-looking female, now named Missy, kept following me and wouldn't let me go. Insistent little bitch, she is. So, I got a cardboard box, rounded them all up and brought them home.

Now I'm not even supposed to have cats, for a myriad of reasons. One, I'm allergic, in that they trigger my asthma. Two, I'm technically a dog owner even though my parents keep them for me during the semester (and have gotten so attached to them that I'm hoping they'll adopt them). Three, surely I'm violating some clause in my leasing contract (like I really care much about that). I signed up as a foster through a local non-profit adoption organization

[someone knocking on my door -- piss off, motherfucker! damn salespeople]

and two of the five kittens have already been adopted to a wonderful young family who've even let me visit them, which was very sweet. I still have the three remaining kittens, who are now about five months old. Newman, a male siamese, is so beautiful and the sweetest, most affectionate creature I've ever known. Peep, a female tortie, has a comically quizzical expression; she's spunky and quite the looker with her glossy black fur. And of course, Missy, the female siamese, who's pushy and in-your-face (or, more accurately, butt-in-your-face).

I've thought for a long time now that I'd keep Newman and Peep and put Missy up for adoption. There have been delays, such as health problems and then the holidays. Now, though, I have to ask myself if cats are right for me. They're getting into everything! I liked them better when they were really little and couldn't reach anything. I'm not given to neatness in the best of times, and these cats are making it 100 times worse. Oh Lord. But the thought of putting them up for adoption kills me. See? This is a lovely example of my indecisive self. I don't know what to do. I do know they're at the age to get spayed/neutered, and I want to get that taken care of before Newman starts spraying everywhere.

One thing's certain, the thought of coming home to an empty apartment is not appealing at all.

Retail therapy. I bought myself some new clothes. Shit, I deserve the clothes more than my dolls do; I haven't bought anything for myself for more than a year.

I guess Newman didn't like my repaint either, because last night he pawed blue paint all over it. Everyone's a critic.

I guess the disclaimer at the top of the page is moot now since I won't be having sex anymore. My libido has up and gone away, just like it was before I met Eduard. The timing of this has coincided with the latest adjustment to my anti-depressants. Coincidence? I think not. But it is FINE by me; I don't need anything clouding my judgement. At least I got to have some fun sex, for the first time in my life. I was very surprised to find that my lubrication ducts are fully functional. Biologically speaking, maybe it was my body's last-bid attempt to have kids before it's too late.

And lest you think my antidepressants interfere with my sex drive, I had zero desire prior to taking them.

Aw Christ, the fucking neighbors are going at it again.

Turn up the volumn, turn up the volume ...

Trying to paint tonight and not having much success. The eyes kill me. I have no idea how other artists do it. This is really discouraging. Is it technique? Materials? Or just lack of ability? Hell.

I went running earlier today and it felt pretty good. Amazing how much damage ice cream can do to the figure--it'll take me weeks to work off what I consumed in very little time. Really need to continue working out and get in top shape; I want to be lean and cut. Helps me feel better about myself I guess. Keeps me busy, keeps my mind off stuff, expends negative energy. Should go to the gym tomorrow before the CoDA meeting.

Right now I'm really feeling that my life sucks and wondering if I'll ever experience any truly fulfilling personal relationships. I don't even feel like going to the fucking CoDA meetings anymore.

Dumb twat. I can't believe I wasted any of my energy on her and knitted her a fucking expensive scarf to boot, which she didn't even like anyway.

"Especially do not feign affection." I did that with Eduard. When he said he loved me, I told him that I loved him too. Not out of true feeling, but out of obedience, the way I remember doing as a child in response to my parents.

Thanks, John. I needed to re-read that...a few thousand times.

My hands are cold, like ice.

Peep tore up and chewed a letter that Eduard had written me. I let her do it. "...timid toe tapping as I dance through life"? What the fuck is that?

No, I do not find you despicable. In the past I have been in the middle of whatever is going on with you and Ed and I don't want to be there this time. I felt like the topic of Ed would invariably come up and I don't want to go there with you. He is my friend and although I have been critical of him in the past he is still one coolest people I have ever met. So I don't want to be in any position of hearing more than I should.

Secondly I have had stuff going on myself. Last weekend my heat went out in my house so it was colder inside my house than it was outside. The furnace was replaced Monday. I developed an ear infection along with the flu and ran fever until Thurs. of this week. I think my antibiotic was making me sick. I cannot hear. So I have missed almost 2 weeks of classes and I am thinking of dropping out for the semester.

I have just felt like crap and not wanted to get into the middle of anything.

There's my answer. I simply replied, "Hope you feel better soon," and left it at that. I could have expressed condolences at her recent misfortunes, but she's chosen not to be my friend, so why should I care? Oh, and nice that I had to ask. She likes to come across as "evolved" and "together," but she's the passive aggressive, fear-of-confrontation queen. To hell with her.

Hey Meow, I read your last post and I tried to comment on your site but it wouldn't let me (page not found error).

Blogging, or more accurately, writing, is a way for me to sort through my jumbled feelings that I often find so hard to identify. Right at this moment, I don't know how I'd do without it. God I really need a place to let loose! I can see where having two blogs might be tough; I personally don't have a G-rated one for family and friends. But that's me.

As for you, if you decide to ax your blogs, it's your decision. But I read your blog and find myself wondering how you're doing. If you start another one, I hope you'll let me know where it is.

Shay, I can only surmise by your silence this past week that you don't want to be friends with me anymore. Or?

If that's the case, I'm confused as to why, although I feel I can reasonably assume that it has something to do with Eduard.

What is it? Do you think I'm so despicable that you want nothing further to do with me? Or has Eduard asked you to dump me because he needs you more?

All I'm asking is for some clarification so that I know for certain where I stand.

For whatever it's worth, I have enjoyed our friendship.

-----------

Eduard,

I'm somewhat mystified about what happened last Saturday.

But let me back up a bit.

Earlier that day, at D's birthday party, I could see you watching me interact with the children there. Rightly or wrongly, I sensed an unspoken pressure or expectation along the lines of, "Won't she make a great mother to my children."

I thought that during our break we agreed that we weren't going to think in those terms. As you said, "I'm not asking you to marry me."

So that evening when I voiced my concern about not being able to commit to you for the long-term, I thought it would open up a dialogue between us. Instead, you inexplicably threw a hissy fit and left.

Listen, Eduard, here's what I was wanting from our relationship: a friend. I don't use the word "friend," lightly, either; I mean a true friend. A friend and companion with whom I could be affectionate and intimate too. And no, I'm not referring to what you so eloquently call a "fuck friend." But I don't know where all this "love" stuff comes in; I don't understand how things got to be so heavy.

It's obvious that our expectations didn't match up. At one time, I may have thought I could love you, but now I'm so confused I'm not sure.

If this makes me the bad guy, so be it.

Just know that I didn't deliberately set out to hurt you.

Newman's been sitting on my lap a lot today. I wonder if he can sense that I'm somewhat down? I don't know much about cats, how empathetic they are. I know dogs can sense a lot.

Earlier I was talking to my friend Peg and telling her about the whole Eduard saga, and losing Shay as a friend and all that. She suggested that I write them to get some type of closure, which isn't a bad idea because I definitely feel dissatisfied and confused about the way things are right now. Not sure how to write Eduard though, because I deleted his email and I have no snail mail address. And delivering another thing by hand to his uncle's apartment smacks of stalking. Part of me says, though, that they don't want to hear from me and it doesn't matter what I say.

"Hi.. She's cute but can I request enhancements such as applied lashes, red lips with matching manicure/pedicure and breast enhancements? Thanks :-)!!!!"

No. Christ! If you want yak lashes on your fashion dolls, look elsewhere. And "enhanced" breasts, which means the nipples have been painted and/or sculpted on, give me the heebie-jeebies. And do you know how long it took me to do those fucking lips? And you want me to re-do them? No.

John's blog notes that today is the nineteenth anniversary of the Challenger disaster. Immediately what popped into my mind, of course, was, "where was I?" I was in military technical training in some bumfuck state on the east coast. (That's what happens after boot camp--they train you and then send you on your merry way to your first duty station.) Although there was a t.v. in the barracks, I never watched it, and I never read the paper or anything either. And, *gasp!* there was no internet at the time! So anyway, I was completely insulated from the goings-on in the world. We were marching in formation either to or from class that day and one of my colleagues, someone who actually kept up with current events, announced that the space shuttle had blown up. Nobody believed him, and he got really upset. "It's true, goddammit! It fucking blew up!" It was sobering, and I think we marched the rest of the way in silence. I was nineteen.

John also brings up the interesting point that his eldest offspring eschews television. Me too, I don't even have one. It cracks me up -- if I say I don't have a t.v., invariably people say, "Hey, I've got one you can have!" People react so strongly to the news; they'd be more accepting if I announced I maintained an arsenal in my apartment. It's been what, almost four years since I've had a t.v. and I haven't missed it at all. I've been shielded from the assaults on my senses such as "reality" television and campaign ads, and for that, I'm grateful. To me, television is a "celebration of mediocrity" [I love that phrase and wish I remembered where I heard it so I could give proper credit].

Finally got that pesky little repaint up for auction. We'll see how she does. I don't have much following in the dolly world compared to other artists, but usually I do okay.

Oh, I just remembered another good reason the thing with Eduard is over: he said he's growing out his hair. *Yeuch* I don't care for long hair on most men and he, well, he doesn't have ... let's just say I don't think he could pull it off.

Call me fucking shallow, I don't care. Maybe it's because of my stint in the military, but I prefer my men to be clean-cut.

Worked out after class today. Although I'm not a morning person, I don't care for working out in the evening because it's too crowded. Still, it felt good to exercise.

Got a call from my friend Cheryl. God she's awesome. Even though she doesn't have a formal education past high school, she's one of the smartest people I know. Has the ability to see things as they are and cut the bullshit. She was actually returning my call from Sunday, I think it was, because I was all upset about the whole "E" thing. Today, in fact, I was feeling pretty down and lonely so I was really glad to talk with her.

My phone and email are noticeably silent now that Shay and Eduard are off the scene. I always did have a hard time making friends. Well, since my mid-teens anyway.

I met Shay in a math class two summers ago and there was something about her that made me feel that I'd like her to be my friend. She was somewhat distant, though, and of course the summer class was only five weeks long, which isn't very much time. Then in the spring semester we were in another math class together, purely by chance, and we saved each other seats and got together to study and whatnot. That's when she introduced me to Eduard, by the way, because he tutored her.

Shay and I went through some ups and downs and periods of noncommunication when we were both busy with our respective things, but lately I felt we'd become somewhat close. We were really communicating.

Well, anyway. That's that.

It would serve me well to keep busy, which so far this semester has not proved to be difficult.

I hope I never run into Shay at the gym, but since I don't wear my glasses while working out, chances are good I wouldn't even see her.

The movie was alright. I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

Had some KFC tonight, when I think I would have preferred chicken 'n dumplings, but I don't know where I can get that. Eduard and I dubbed KFC "Come Fuck Me Fried Chicken," because I worked there after school when I was 16 and I gave my virginity to the "crew chief," who was 21, married and had a kid. Nice. Not memories I relish particularly. At least I learned from that experience not to fuck somebody else's husband.

Had a good workout at the gym, considering it's been several days since my last visit. Hung that bag of crap on Eduard's uncle's door knob. On the way out I saw Eduard's truck, parked in the exact same spot it was on Saturday. He's probably holed himself up, or else has been crying himself to sleep on Shay's couch all this time.

I'm going to the movies.

What's kinda funny is that I want to see In Good Company, when before I really had no desire to. Maybe I'm in the mood for something heart-warming or whatever. But God, I have so much to do today and so far all I've done is sit here like a lump. Gotta take pictures of my doll for the auction while the sun is out, gather my things to go to the gym, after which I need to shower, see a counselor regarding a stop on my records, and then drop some shit off at Eduard's uncle's apartment. *cough, splutter* Shall I run that last errand prior to the gym, or afterward? Prior. Let's get it over with.

Awright, up and at 'em.

Let's go.

You can do it.

That's right, that's it ...

Ugh.

At first I felt terrible and I wanted to tell Eduard I was sorry that I hurt him. Now, I offer no apologies. It would have played right into his hands -- the way he wants everyone to take exception for and accommodate him. I'm so done with this. I have to return some shit of his he's left at my apartment, again. I thought I would include a note, but now I don't think so. Even if he read it, he wouldn't "hear" it. May as well save my breath.

For the first time, I feel he's a fraud. The French pronunciation he puts on his name -- please.

I used to think that he had a lot of wonderful qualities to offer someone; now, I think that the infantilism and pettiness associated with his addictions override any of his finer points. Until he gets it together, he can't offer anyone shit.

My head is killing me.

On another note, German class was a bitch today, I mean, yesterday.

So in a gap between classes I was having some lunch, cheese pizza from Pizza Slut, when I looked to my left and who was sitting there? Kathleen, Mark's fiance, with whom Eduard and I had had dinner weekend-before-last. That was pretty trippy. After a bit of small talk, I was like, "I guess I should let you know, Eduard and I have broken up." First thing she said? "That must be for the better, right? For you?" Wow. She said when she first met Eduard, he had a job and he was stable and focused. Then, for reasons unknown, he lost it, started his drinking, and nobody really knows what to do with him now. I mentioned to her how I had the feeling Eduard wanted me to save him, and she was nodding her head.

I can't tell you how much better I feel, having some who knows Eduard (has known him far longer than I) understand my position. To wit, there's been no word from Shay. I figure, fucking fine, if she wants to be the object of his manipulation, that's her problem.

Took a bath with the door shut and candles to heat the bathroom. The kitties were beside themselves, wanting in. They're really not that different from the dogs. Decided not to go to the gym as I have a long day ahead of me and I need to conserve my energy. However, I'll take my gear along and maybe work out at the end of the day. Last class ends at around five, just in time for rush hour. No point in joining the fray.

I should have known better than to get involved with an alcoholic. I mean, Christ, even if they don't drink, they have to replace one addiction with another, be it sex, Jesus, or whatever. Look at our president, for example.

Uh-oh, I found some .wav files. Look out, I'm dangerous now!

Found out today that my vocational rehabilitation benefits are likely to be axed because of my poor performance last semester. Ain't that just spiffy. Not a great couple of days for me. I still feel sick and my mouth is so dry I can barely eat my Pop Tart.

Usually I wouldn't be caught dead to be awake at dawn, but I couldn't sleep to save my life. Sure wish I'd had a sedative of some kind. As it was, I chugged some milk and managed to force myself to sleep a couple of times, but not for long. And on a school night too, wouldn't you know it. Since I'm up this early, I may as well go to the fucking gym. Except I have to shave my legs first. That's a big deterrent, right there.

Apparently an off-duty police officer driving his own vehicle struck a runaway horse on the freeway and is listed in critical condition. First of all, why is it more important that the person is a police officer versus anyone else? And secondly, what about the poor horse?

That's pretty typical of me; I care more about animals than I do people.

Huh, being so new to blogging myself, I wasn't aware of what's going on in the blogging world. Not sure I understand it. "And blogs have greater impact because their readers tend to be policy makers and other influencers of public opinion, media experts say." They must mean some other type of blog. But if I ever have a chance to influence someone's thinking, here it is: Bush blows. And no, I wasn't paid to say that.

Someone named Rebecca Blood published a weblog handbook of ethics. I haven't read it, myself, but more power to her.

[Slapping forehead] Of course! Eduard must have walked to the nearest gas station and phoned Shay to pick him up. Well, there you go.

Good riddance. I don't need this drama bullshit in my life. I mean, he wouldn't let me drive him home but he imposes upon Shay to rescue him, to build an alliance, no doubt. Fucking baby. Manipulative, spoiled baby. "Wah, poor me." Fuck him.

God, it's so clear now, what kind of person I was involved with. My kittens have more emotional maturity.

Was introduced to yet another way to waste my time, courtesy of NYHotties:

That was created using Candybar doll maker. It's way too cutesy to truly represent me, though.

The rollerblading was good. Got back right at dusk.

I'm worried about Eduard, whether or not he got home okay. But I can't call him because (a) he wouldn't want to hear from me; and (b) I don't want to talk to his mom. Shay hasn't returned my email and she's shut down her messenger program, which indicates she doesn't want to talk to me either. I'll go on the premise that "no news is good news."

I have to wonder if Eduard's choosing to leave on foot was a form of manipulation and punishment, a way of saying, "Take that, bitch."

Guess I'm the bad guy. Guess all I can do is live my life the best way I can.

Got an hour before the sun goes down; I think I'll go rollerblading. My mind and body are doing weird things right now.

Eh, screw it, I don't need to see a movie. I took a long nap with the kitties instead; I was so cold.

Thank you, Meow.

I'd say this is fairly accurate:

You have highly developed auditory skills, enjoy reading and writing and telling stories, and are good at getting your point across. You learn best by saying and hearing words. People like you include poets, authors, speakers, attorneys, politicians, lecturers and teachers.

Verbal/Linguistic

82%
Bodily/Kinesthetic

79%
Intrapersonal

64%
Musical/Rhythmic

61%
Visual/Spatial

61%
Interpersonal

43%
Logical/Mathematical

29%

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.co

I'm gonna blow off today's CoDA meeting. I'm too emotionally raw and plus it's a long way to drive. Also, I've gotta put the finishing touches on my repaint and put it up for auction if I expect to earn any money.

Sideways is playing locally, much to my shock and surprise. I'm gonna see it this afternoon.

Of course, it never occurred to me that Shay would drop me. Either way's fine I guess.

I'm kinda miserable. I wish I could talk to someone to get an opinion.

I mean, is it so wrong to want a friend and companion with whom I'm intimate? What's with all this love shit, anyway?

I wonder if the whole "submissive" thing in bed was getting a little old. I dunno. I've lost interest in exploring. Go away, sex drive! Go away and stay away! I don't want you and I don't need you.

The kitties look like they calmed down so maybe it's a good time to go back to bed. Try to get some shut-eye.

I sent an email to Shay, asking her to phone Eduard to make sure he got home okay. Otherwise, I'm not going to involve her.

I'm still somewhat befuddled by Eduard's abrupt and explosive reaction to what I said. I mean, there was no talk, there was no discussion whatsoever.

I think he latched onto this idea he had in his head (like me having his children), and even though we'd discussed in the past that it's not going to happen, he hard-headedly refused to let go of it.

I think I'm just not equipped to handle someone else's stuff right now [shee-it, right now or ever]. Night-before-last he told me he'd been feeling depressed all week (I hadn't seen him all week). I asked him if he could talk to his mom, with whom he's close, when he's feeling that way, and he said he doesn't talk to anyone. Not having anything to say and unwilling to dispense unrequested advice ("get help"), I changed the subject.

Kittens are on a rampage.

Hm, well, it's over, and for good this time. This whole thing was a disaster right from the very start. Eduard and I spent the day together, attending Shay's daughter's birthday party. Then he had to dash home to do something while I waited in the car for him for 45 minutes. Then we went out to eat and afterward came over to my place. Well, he wanted to get it on right away and he was all over me hot and heavy, but I felt no response whatsoever, when usually he's got me open like a 7-11, to borrow a phrase. I'm not sure if that was hormonal or a culmination of the past few days when I came to the realization that I don't love him. I thought I did or I thought I could, but the truth is, I don't. Then I felt stuck because I didn't want to hurt him again. Well, that was foolish because he was hurt anyway. At the birthday party I saw him watching me as I interacted with the kids. Tonight, after the aborted makeout session, I told him I was worried because I didn't feel I could make a committment to him for the long term. He got angry and left, on foot since we'd driven my car. I drove around and found him but he wouldn't get in; he said, "Look, just go home, okay. I don't want to be around you anymore," and he shut the car door. I don't know how he's going to get home because he lives several miles away and also the weather is cold and blustery, but he's an adult.

It's fine. For the longest time I haven't been able to look him in the eye. I'm a serious shit.

I think I'll let Shay go. She and Eduard were friends before I was on the scene, and he'll need her. My heart is empty.

I feel sick.

Got this from Meow:

You scored as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Congratulations! You are obsessive-compulsive! You know nothing curbs images of mutilating your mother like a good counting/checking/washing ritual... wait, DID you forget to turn off the stove???

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

58%

Unipolar Depression

50%

Schizophrenia

33%

Borderline Personality Disorder

25%

Eating Disorders

8%

Antisocial Personality Disorder

0%

Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com

Huh, and I would have thought I'd have antisocial personality disorder. Actually, I'm really not obsessive-compulsive. Well, maybe a little. Sometimes. I wish I were obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness, then my apartment would be neat as a pin rather than the train wreck it is.

Eduard and I saw Million Dollar Baby tonight, which was more emotional and complicated than I would have guessed. And throughout a key scene, this bimbo's cell phone went off not once, but twice. And she let it go on and on both times because she couldn't find it in her handbag or whatever. Fuck, you know, that's probably one of my biggest pet peeves. People like that, and also people who have crying screaming brats with them, make me never want to go to the movies again. Or better yet, make me never want to leave the house again. Anyway, on the way out I said, "You know, thanks a lot for the phone during the movie. That was very considerate." The woman's friend said snarkily, "Oh, you have a nice day!" to which I replied, "Eh, bite me," before I walked out. Fuck I hate people. "Civilization" is but an illusion--I still want to take a bear club and smack people over the heads with it.

Huh, some 54-year-old veteran up and joined the army. I'm supposed to applaud him? Instead, I find myself musing, "I guess some people never outgrow stupidity."

There's no way I'd ever re-up. And if I get drafted or something I'll claim conscientious objector status. Not that it would ever happen. One time a fellow veteran in a class of mine was saying, "Why don't you reenlist? Huh? Why? Uncle Sam needs you!" Without thinking I spat, "Uncle Sam can eat me!" before I realized he was winding me up. He got me. And I'd said that loud enough for the professor to hear, a kind, elderly gentleman. Oops.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't support the troops, because I do. They're doing their jobs in the best manner possible and putting their lives at stake. It's not the troops' fault that the country's leadership has their heads up their collective asses. Ugh, this topic renders me inarticulate.

Gahhhhh! Why, WHY did I have to look at the paper? "Bush Starts 2nd Term with 'Great Objective of Ending Tyranny.'"

Retch. Heave.

Missed my CoDA meeting because I got carried away with my painting. I tried to do a portrait of Natalie Portman, but it really didn't turn out looking much like her. Oh well, I can still say, "inspired by" Natalie Portman.

Was supposed to go out with Eduard but he begged off because he "feels like ass." Not a problem, I wasn't really in the mood anyway. Showered for nuthin' though. Now I wonder what I'll have to eat. Taco Smell or Pizza Slut?

I'm sitting here nekkit, for no other reason than I'm too lazy to find some clean clothes. I'll have to do that soon, however, as it's getting chilly. You know what I like though? I like how my hair feels on my bare back. Soft. I love my hair long; I'm not letting anyone cut it short, ever again. Even when I'm old.

Oooh, that Maureen Dowd RULZ. Keep singing it!

"It is puzzling that if you add X (no exit strategy) to Y (Why are we there?) you get W²: George Bush's second inauguration."

It saddens me that instead of going forward in time, the U.S.A. seems to be going well backward. Have I thought about living abroad? Hell yes, I have!

On an unrelated note, y'know what? I haven't checked my [snail] mail in days.

That was weird. The neighbor lady, the one who has those blow-out fights with her husband, just knocked on my door. We're not exactly friendly toward one another, just kinda nod if forced to, so I was surprised. Immediately I assumed she'd have a complaint of some kind. But no, she offered me a house plant. I resisted but she talked me into it, and then she asked me if I had a pot to put it in. I was like, "Uh, well, I can't take the plant since I don't have a pot, but thank you." I mean, do you think that's weird? To offer a plant but not the pot? The whole interaction was strange, like there was something else she sought. Well, I'll simply cast the incident out of my head and think of it no more.

Yesterday school wasn't so bad. I think the German class will be fun, and the professor let me into watercolor. I was unsuccessful in crashing one other class, but it turned out fine because the class was a dud anyway. I went home and found another one with an empty seat and snagged it.

Awright, let me get to painting.

Wow, went to bed early last night, around ten-ish, and woke up around 7:30. Like, is that the way normal people do it? Feels pretty good. Popped my lovely little Effexor pill. I love that pretty pink little capsule with the comforting little rattling sound the beads make.

After tear-assing around the place all morning, it looks like the kittens are ready for a nap. Y'know, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I've stayed up too late reading shit on the computer. Honestly, I should have put down more computer hours on that nerd test. Anyway, I have school tomorrow. Wish me luck that I can get into the classes I'm trying to crash. Although I don't deserve it because it was my slacker self that got me into this situation to begin with.

John has this in today's blog entry:

"What anger worse or slower to abate than a lover's love when it has turned to hate." Euripides (485 BC - 406 BC)

Man, ain't it da truth. Those old dudes were pretty smart.

Speaking of other people's blogs, I just love this entry:

http://catcall.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_catcall_archive.html

Sing it, sister.

"And besides - do we really need to raise another generation of men who can't deal with pubic hair?"

Hey, cool! Check this out:

I am nerdier than 16% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

I think I'm "not nerdy" only because I'm not into the maths or sciences. I dunno.

--------------
Hmm, this comes as no surprise. Coulda been worse, I suppose:

I am 69% loser. What about you? Click here to find out!

-------------
Um, hey! Wait a minute! 93% weirdness quotient? Not exactly sure what "weird" is, but I've definitely been called that quite often.

What is your weird quotient? Click to find out!

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate my fucking computer? It was purchased in 1997: eight years ago. That's unheard-of in computer terms. Anyway, I was working on an entry and doodling around in some other windows as well when my browser crashed. I definitely have "resource issues."

Saw a psychiatrist today. Nice to have to go over all that shit again with a different person, but I asked for, and received, a new prescription for Effexor to take alongside the Wellbutrin. Maybe that'll fix my ass up. So it was a trying morning. Oh, and had to wait a couple of hours at the pharmacy for the prescription to be filled. You know the government. But that's okay, I'm glad they're there at all. I took a nice nap in my chair.

Those cats already killed the new dangly toy I got for them, the one that suspends off a door frame. Dang.

Took a deep nap when I got home from the medical center. Condoleezza Rice is on the front page of the NY Times. She really needs to re-think her hair. There's also some stink about what some Harvard dude said about women. Whatever. One person who took umbrage at these remarks said something like, "I like to work 80 hours a week and I know other women who work that hard." Well, you know what? I DON'T like to work 80 hours a week. I don't even like to work 40. And I'm not even married with a family. It's one of my fucking beefs with society today, that we have to kill ourselves in the corporate (or academic, or what-have-you) community. It's one of my priorities, to avoid the fate of 60-plus hour workweeks. It is just NOT what I'm about; it's not what life's about. And what do you get in the end? Laid off, most likely. Fuck that shit.

Couldn't let this day go by without a rant.

Pop Wellbutrin, check. I really don't have time to dick around; I have a psychiatrist appointment this morning and have to leave in half an hour. What's really nice is I don't have to worry about walking the dawgs, something I was never very good at figuring in. Unfortunately, I have to gas up the car.

I left the ice cream out last night.

Spent the whole evening doing blog stuff. Shoulda done some painting. Dashed to the store for some ice cream, which I had for dinner. Had to fend off the diabolically insistent kittens. Nobody ever told me that cats beg for food! They're far worse than my dogs.

Anyway, I was unable to figure out how to show links on the sidebar like I see others doing; it doesn't appear to be included in my template and my html knowledge is rudimentary, if that [see, Eduard? I used the word rudimentary]. I'm honored to learn that Meow included me in her links and I wish I could return the favor, as I enjoyed her blog very much. I'm shocked to learn that someone follows my diatribes ("a bitter, abusive denunciation" --love that word!).

Meow's advice, "lose Eduard," has not fallen upon deaf ears. Just let me go to a few more CoDA meetings for now. Eduard has cut back on his alcohol intake by about 50%, by his reckoning (he's actually experiencing withdrawal symptoms, which boggles my mind because I thought I drank a lot, but I never had withdrawals); however, it occurs to me that alcoholics, when not drinking, will act out in other ways.

I may as well turn in since I'm in a sugar-induced stupor (as opposed to other stupors?).

I dunno. Some characteristics of Eduard's have come to light -- or maybe I just didn't pay attention to them before -- that are bothering me. Like, I don't think he's nearly as emotionally developed as I'd given him credit for in the past. When we spoke last, one of the reasons I cited for not wanting to go to the Tavern was that I didn't want to get stuck there all night while he kept stringing me along with his "one more beer" ploy. He was like, "How can you think that of me," and was literally in tears. What? I was operating on what information I had, awright? Why is it that every man I've ever been with has been, deep inside, a titty baby? And the few times I've expressed displeasure at his behavior, it becomes my problem, my fault, I'm the bad guy. I really don't care for people who don't take responsibility for their actions, and yet I'm always involved with guys who are like that.

And he and I were on the phone earlier today and he was really getting on my nerves, laughing his ass off at some ribald account I didn't find funny. He also criticized my use of the word "treacly," which I just looked up and is perfectly correct, fuck you very much. Which brings me to another trait of his I'm coming to notice and dislike: he's a bloody know-it-all.

Oh! And complaining that he doesn't feel good, that he's sick. He's always saying that.

Oh, oh. He made some snide comment about my housekeeping, or lack thereof, which was accurate. But you know what...? If it offended his fine sensibilities that much, he knew where the front door was.

It appears that no one wants to see Million Dollar Baby with me, so I've decided to go see it by myself tomorrow.

School starts tomorrow. I have to try to crash classes because I was in such a fog last semester I let the deadlines go by and all the classes got filled. Erg. If I don't get the classes I want, I'm not sure what to take as alternatives. Guess I'll worry about that when I get there. As it happens, all my desired classes are Monday and Wednesday, so that would be cool. Just go to the campus twice a week, all day. That would leave me the rest of the week to get other stuff done, like earn some money.

GAWD I hate my fucking neighbors -- the ones across the way, not the ones who just moved. There they go again, having a loud screaming shrill hissy fit. The chick really loses it. She needs antidepressants. I'd say she could use a bullet but they have a kid. Who, by the way, must really love having to hear this shit. They'd been pretty chill for several months, but I guess it couldn't last. Why stay together? Huh? Why? What's the point? Idiots.

I sure don't miss such drama in my life. It's so much nicer not to get to that emotional state.

I forgot my Wellbutrin last night. Something has died in my fridge to the point where I almost need a gas mask to get in there. I've recently gorged myself on ice cream and don't feel like going to the gym. I need to blow my nose and the Kleenex are out of reach. I think I'm pathologically messy. Is there such a thing? I just switched the internet radio to "booty time," whatever that is. Oh cool, Missy Elliot. I love that line, "Go downtown and eat it like a vulture."

I'm kinda ticked off because this one chick on my doll board sold me a doll several months ago, and now she's asking for it back. Give me a fucking break. She sold it to me! You don't do that. If she has regrets, she needs to suck it up. Because I ain't selling it back to her, on principle.

The other day I went to Super Walmart and spent nearly $100. I totally didn't need to do that.

Eduard and I had a discussion night-before-last. We had gone to dinner with friends and then afterward went to a bar for a social drink, which I prolly coulda done without. But we each had one beer and were gearing up to go when he told his friend, "Oh, we're going over to the Tavern to see Kathy." Oh? We are? That was news to me. I didn't say anything in front of Mark but my jaw clenched tight. Sometimes Eduard is so oblivious. When we got out in the parking lot I told him, "I'm not going to the Tavern. If you want to go, I'll drop you off," and he said that was fine, we didn't need to go. But I was still so pissed off. I don't like surprise attacks like that. Don't make my decisions for me! I despise the feeling of being under someone else's control, that I have no choice in what I do and where I go, that I'm held captive. So later I told him not to pull that one again. He was so completely shocked and surprised, and started acting all hurt. I mean, I'm sorry, I but I was quickly losing my sense of empathy. What a baby! You know, if you want babying, go home to your mama. Christ. And no I didn't say that; it took everything I had to be respectful.

I'm doing some painting right now (yes, painting and typing at the same time -- I am a very talented woman!) and it feels good. Crap, gotta jump in the shower; Eduard phoned and we've been invited out.

Went to a CoDA meeting at a different location this evening. This one was very small, only five people. At the end of the meeting, since they knew that I'm a newbie, they asked if I had any questions. I brought up the newcomer's orientation-cum-fundamentalist evangical sermon that took place at the last meeting. Funnily, they knew exactly the woman I was talking about. They assured me that's not part of CoDA. Well, thank God for that. I guess it was just my newbie bad luck that I didn't know to high-tail it the fuck outta there, which is what I'll be sure to do next time. The people at the meeting also mentioned that I need to work on my boundaries since that bitch bothered me so much (they said it more tactfully than that), which I agree with.

Dogs are going back to stay with my parents tomorrow. I feel bad for them because they'll be confused and hurt. However, I know that my parents, as shitty as they were at parenting, are terrific with my dogs. They're cared for far better than when they're with me. The dogs also just wear me out. It's tough.

Shay told me earlier that Eduard had called her and asked if he had any messages from me, to which she replied no. She said she instant messaged me at that time. Well, I didn't get it and there's no record of it in my history. Aren't I supposed to get messages regardless of whether or not I'm currently online? Meaning, shouldn't I get the message next time I log on? Whatever. As I told her, he said he'd call me, not the other way around. I'm content to not see him for a few days. Let him do whatever it is he does and to hell with it.

I was pondering today, why does he love me so much? I mean, he purportedly just LOVES me. Why? How deep can it be? We've only been seeing each other, what? Four months?

Slept too late and feeling groggy. A cold front came through last night and it's chilly out, and I can only find one house slipper. I typed an entry into this blog and then through some weird twist of fate, struck just the right combination of keys with the side of my hand to close the browser window and lose everything. Took some more Effexor because my heebie-jeebies are pretty bad.

Shay has her daughter, which I'm glad about because it means Shay's not pissed at me for missing an early workout, although there's nothing stopping her from going to the gym by herself. That's one thing: I'm so used to doing everything and going everywhere by myself that it's almost a hindrance to have someone else along, and I can't comprehend how someone would be hesitant to work out by oneself. But anyway, that's just me. Shay invited me to a movie with her and her daughter, but I just don't have the mental energy. Her daughter's a total sweetheart and a very bright and pretty child, but holy crap she wears me out. I don't know how Shay does it. Besides, I don't really have the time as I've got a bunch of crap to do.

Shay's got a new bartending job in a busy, upscale part of the city where lots of rich university students hang out. I'm glad for her because it's been stressful for her after losing her last job. But for me it probably means that I'll be seeing far less of her. I'm not into hanging around places where alcohol is sold. I got into it for a while when I first started seeing Eduard until I got fucking sick of it. Why can't people socialize in other ways, why does it have to involve the piss? Eduard was very pleased at the prospect of Shay getting a job at that particular bar because it'll add to his list of haunts. I, on the other hand, have no interest in hanging out there, 'cause even if I go only to see Shay, I will drink. Anyway, I think I'm being redudant (like that's ever stopped me before?).

I'm bracing myself for the onslaught of the next Star Wars installment. Those devout Star Wars fans ... they're so rabid that they won't admit that Episdes One and Two were complete shit. My ex was one of those people. Star Wars at all costs. Stupid. Hey, the first Star Wars came out when I was 10 or 11 and hell yes, I was obsessed by it. But I have the ability to discern that the franchise has gone to hell in a handbasket. Not even the actors who starred in it sing its praises. I doubt I'll pay to see this upcoming episode, as carelessly-made, thoughtless, insulting and condescending movies really piss me off. Rant over.

Dude. Caught the 10:50 showing of Ocean's 12, which let out at about 1:10 a.m. Oh. My. God. It was fucking pouring out there. There was more water pressure in that rain than there was in my shower at the gym this morning. Fortunately I didn't park too far away from the building and I found the exit nearest my car. But still, whoa. Trippy, coming out of the theater and finding that the weather has done a complete turn-around. A couple of construction workers (overnight job?) said if I gave them my car keys they'd bring my car around for me, smart-asses. It was kinda funny. It's a good thing that I've been running a lot lately. I bade them good-night and sprinted to the car.

Paints has to take a crap. What are we going to do?

As for the movie, it was dumb, senseless, entirely forgettable, and highly enjoyable. That, with a Cherry Coke and nachos, was a nice short-term diversion.

Suffering from some withdrawal symptoms. How long's it going to take to wean off the Effexor completely?

Oh, oh, oh. One actor in Ocean's 12, a Frenchman, let me look him up. Ah, Vincent Cassel. He was in Brotherhood of the Wolf, a French flick. It was a funny movie in that these dudes in the 1700's knew martial arts and fought in slow mo just like John Woo. Anywho, Vincent Cassel's character wound up raping his sister, a very disconcerting scene, especially considering I was watching the movie with my brother. Yuck, yuck, and yuck. At least there was this one actor in the movie, Mark Dacascos, who was so totally hot. Yum.

If Eduard tries to call to get together tomorrow, I shall inform him that I have other plans. Which I do, I have to go to a CoDA meeting and then hit the hay early for an appointment on Friday. So there.

Well I'm pissed off. Two days last week Eduard said he'd call and didn't, and he did it again tonight. Fuck this shit. I'm totally gonna let him fucking have it. You know what I mean? Don't say you'll call if you won't.

I'd like to go to a movie but the theater nearest my place is playing utter crap. I could go see Ocean's 12, some Empty-Headed Fare starring Beautiful People. But I really don't feel like it. It chaps my ass, that that stupid, enormous theater with a million screens can't do anything but cater to the lowest common denominator. Oh, sorry, was that elitist of me?

Eh, fuckit. I'll go to get out of the house and eat some nachos.

Was feeling peevish last night and still do this morning. Am scheduled to go to the gym later, though, and then to see a friend to play dollies, which I'm looking forward to. People find out I collect dolls and they ask, "Do you play with them?" in the same tone of voice they might use to ask if I'm into bestiality or something. Sure, I play with them: I style their hair and change their clothes. I love coordinating new outfits and mixing & matching. Funny that this skill doesn't apply to my body and my wardrobe. Not that you can get much variety from jeans and t-shirts. "Oh I know, I'll wear that pink t-shirt with those jeans and my Converse sneakers!" Anyway, I'm not into the roll-play and backstories for my dolls that some other adult collectors are into, but I do like to take pictures of them and share them on the message board.

A Bratz boi suffers an unsuccessful encounter with Tiny Kitty.
Thanks to ImageShack for Free Image Hosting

I only bought the Bratz doll to steal his clothes and give them to TK. The TK on the right is wearing his shorts. Not into Bratz dolls as a rule, I think they're fucked up.

I swear I gained 20 pounds from my Indian dinner last night.

I'm gonna repaint a doll or two for me to keep. The thing I hate about repainting is giving up my work! Some artist.

God, I fucking love this:

Had a date with Eduard; we met at our favorite Indian place. The meal was really nice and afterward we went to the sushi place for some green tea ice cream. The waitress there is totally hot for Eduard; she remembered him and hardly said a word to me. Annoying. "Hey, can't you see he's with somebody, bitch?" Whatever.

I was a bit irritated that Eduard broke the second half of the date, which was to come back to my place. He said he had to be somewhere early tomorrow. How many times did I let him come over, despite my obligations? Harumph. He said, "I'll make it up to you," and I replied, "I know you will." Probably just as well, I'm too full for sex or socializing anyway. One thing that I found humorous was that the waiter at the Indian place, who recognized us, brought the check to me, as I'm usually the one paying. Hahehehahah. Hey, I can be mercenary too: I'm entitled to a good dinner after giving him the best head of his life.

So after the ice cream Eduard walked me back to my car and said he was going to one of his haunts to see a bartender friend of his. Can't come back to my place ... but can go to a bar. Oh-kayyyy. He invited me to come, said they've been asking about me, and I said, somewhat shittily, "Tell them I said hi." My days of hanging around in bars with his drunkard friends are over. What he does with his time is his business and I want no part of it.

I totally have no long-term commitment with Eduard in my heart or mind; does that make me a bad person?

I bought a food processor that should arrive any day now. I'm excited about it. No phone, but a new food processor. My priorities are skewed.

Huh.

Chapter 1: The Sun - Your Ego Structure

SUN IN SCORPIO

Control is the main ingredient in life for you. You are strong-willed, thorough, passionate and powerful. You are courageous and completely willing to go it alone when necessary. You tend to have a rather serious outlook on life, always probing, looking for the depths. Your life becomes more meaningful when you learn to be truly forgiving, when you control your sexual nature without repressing it. Strive to overcome envy, jealousy and possessiveness. Your intense, all or nothing attitude is very useful under some circumstances but all of life is not a battlefield. You turn that force to a high channel at some time in life and the search for meaning becomes a spiritual quest. Find out more with your full-length report...

MERCURY IN SAGITTARIUS

Your mind naturally moves toward the big picture. You are always looking "over the hills and far away". You are independent in thought while honestly thinking that you are the mainstream standard of life. You think you are "telling it like it is" but the truth of the matter is you are telling it like "it ought to be". There is a moralizing, impulsive and propagating side of whatever you assert. You usually miss details that others feel important, but the breadth of your vision and the joy and lightheartedness of your attitude encourages people to be open to what you say. When you adjust to new circumstances in life, you do so briefly, always holding onto the picture of how things should be. Your vision improves when you are able to face how things really are without discarding your values. Find out more with your full-length report...

Sleepy. Was up too late and have an OB/GYN appointment soon. :-( I hate those. Well, I guess they're necessary. I hope they don't rag on me about mammograms. Last year I was supposed to have gone but I blew off the mammogram appointment. Y'know, my boobies are nice and I feel no need to stretch them out of shape prematurely. I'm gonna ask them about birth control. I have to be careful because last time I was on the pill, it made me suicidal. But maybe those implant thingies would work, as I've read they release a far smaller amount of hormone.

Awesome lovemaking last night. Yummy. Eduard asked me out on a date tonight, for dinner and ice cream. That made me feel so good.

Funny how I don't mind blowing him; in fact, I love it. In the past I'd gotten to hate it because it became a demand or entitlement. My ex once woke up at 3 a.m. and wanted a blowjob. *snort* I'm so sure. That was the only time he did that. But toward the end, I'm telling ya, well it's not like we were having much sex anyway since I couldn't stand his touch, but I never went down on him. Couldn't fucking stand it. But with Eduard, I could have him stand in front of me, put my arms around his thighs, and go to town. In fact, that's what I did. Ha ha.

Eduard introduced me to a term I hadn't heard before: skull-fucking. It's when a guy grabs a girl's head while she's blowing him and, well, fucks her in the mouth, basically. I don't see how that would feel good. I told him, "Just for future reference, I don't like that." Not that he's tried to do that. He's got just the right mix of tenderness and coarseness.

I really disapprove of children starring in movies like this. It shouldn't be allowed.

My fucking phone got turned off for nonpayment and I can't pay the bill so I'm phone-less. That blows. And now I'll never know whether or not Eduard tried to call me last night [betcha he didn't].

So I installed MSN messenger so that he can call Shay and she can message me (he doesn't have a cell or a computer). God this is ridiculous. He said he'd be over at nine tonight. I have a doctor's appointment at 9:30 in the morning that I must not miss. *sigh* Oh, but check this out: he asked Shay to ask me if I can call him at 6:30. Um, no. Hello? I don't have a phone, hence the reason for this farcical liaison exercise! Jeez.

What's the matter with me, I'm having second thoughts about the reconciliation, wondering if it was the right thing to do. Fuck.

So, they're coming out with a movie, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Being somewhat ignorant and not very literary considering I'm an English major, I thought that maybe I should read the book, so I went over to Amazon to check it out. I read the sample pages available and it didn't grab me so much, maybe because it's too British. Not that I dislike Brits or Britain, but ... my ex-husband is a Brit and he wore his Britishness on his sleeve. At first it was very novel, but holy shit did it get tiresome. Finally, at the end, I told him, "Look, motherfucker, you're in America now. If England's so fucking great, then go back there." Cocksucker used me to stay in this country. I hope he rots in hell.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

I like going to the movies but almost 100% of the time I wind up going by myself. It seems that nobody wants to see what I want to see, and I don't want to see what they want to see. I think this irritates Shay, when she suggests stuff and I'm like, "Eh." Oh well. If I'm gonna sit on my ass in the dark for two hours surrounded by annoying strangers with their fucking cell phones, it needs to be worth my while. I totally want to see Million Dollar Baby. I'll probably check that out soon.

"Television news executives have long viewed natural disasters as offering a rich backdrop against which to showcase the skills of their top talent and to burnish their résumés."

Ooh, that's deliciously cynical, I love it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/10/arts/television/10anch.html?8hpib

"Then the president added: 'And I look at the elections as a - as a - you know, as a - as - as a historical marker for our Iraq policy.'
"Well, that's clear. Mr. Bush is huddled in his bubble, but he's in a pickle. The administration that had no plan for what to do with Iraq when it got it, now has no plan for getting out."

That Maureen chick rocks:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/09/opinion/09dowd.html?8hpib

Oh, and I turned my phone off in case Eduard decides to call at some ridiculous hour as he is wont to do. I'm sick of always being available for him.

There's a part of me that cringes at the 12-step meeting format because it's become fodder for jokes, and hell, it's fucking hokey. This group-hugging business, for example, bleah. And the introductions: "Hi, I'm Bob and I'm a codependent." "Hi, Bob."

One concept that I agree with but can't quite embrace is the "attitude of gratitude" thing. I guess it's far easier for me to carp about shit. What sucks about that is that it becomes deeply ingrained. I sure don't want to be one of those people who spew negativity all the damn time, but I see myself doing it. Anyway, I have a great deal of trouble coming up with positive statements about myself or things to be grateful for. I'm fairly defeatist and dismissive of my talents. It doesn't help that my talents don't appear to be marketable and the thought of pursuing them to wind up starving anyway makes my blood run cold. But anyway.

Awright, I'm grateful for:

The ability to read (imagine not being able to read!)
My healthy body and all the five senses
The opportunity to return to college for my degree
My shrink (who, by the way, will not be happy that I've gotten back with Eduard)
My brother, who's a cool dude
My friend John, who's always been compassionate, understanding and encouraging (indeed, he's the only person I trust enough with the crud written herein)

That'll do for now.

When I was about nineteen or twenty, I was a partier and started drinking coffee at work to get me through the day. One time I was standing at the coffeemaker when this older dude said kinda obnoxiously, "People your age shouldn't be drinking coffee." As he was several inches shorter than I, I peered down at him and said, "Why, will it stunt my growth?" Everyone in the office choked back their guffaws. I don't think that guy said another word to me, ever. Was he trying to flirt and be clever, or was he being a dick? I don't know.

My next-door-neighbors, a married couple, are leaving tomorrow, back to their hometown. It was nice to have good neighbors like them and I'll miss them in a way. However, I won't miss her knocking on my door in the morning before I've woken up, which she had a tendency to do. *sigh*

Eduard said on the phone yesterday that he'd call and come over this evening. Well, it's ten o'clock and no word. Since I have to be at the gym tomorrow at 11:30, when/if he calls I'll have to tell him to forget it. I can't afford to be up all night. And of course I'm sick of shirking my obligations for him or because of him.

I mean, this is so typical of him. How inconsiderate. Last time he came over, he said he'd be here at a certain time and there he was, bam, right at that time. It made me feel respected; whereas, when he doesn't do what he said he'd do or when, it makes me feel taken for granted, unappreciated and dissed.

God I'm a dick. I'd left my phone in the car and Shay had called me. D'oh!

Hmm. The CoDA meeting. Well. The meeting itself was okay and I wasn't even that late. After the meeting, though, this one biddy (sorry, but what a horrible woman) orchestrated what I thought was to be a "newcomer's" thing, that instead turned into this evangelical sermon. I was not appreciative. I'll give these meetings another chance and if I don't care for them, I'll try another location--fortunately there's more than one in the city.

The meeting closed with the Lord's prayer. Everyone stood in a circle and held hands. My hands were clammy, ugh. The prayer stuff doesn't do much for me, but there was this chihuahua there, a very sweet and social creature, who started snorting and honking (reverse sneezing, a common affliction of smaller dogs--Paints does it) throughout the prayer between stanzas, which I thought was hilarious. I totally wanted to crack up with my irreverent self. Oh, anyway, so after the Lord's prayer there was a group hug. Holy crap. And then this one lady came up to me afterward and asked me if I wanted a hug. From a stranger? Um, no. Not into the huggie shit, not into the Jesus shit.

Oh, and Shay told me to give her a call after the meeting so we could hook up, but when I did her phone was turned off and she hasn't called back yet. So I just drove home. What the fuck?

Crap, gonna be late for CoDA meeting. Chug coffee, express shower, micro potty break for dawgs. :-(

GodDAMMit! I typed a whole entry and then went to "preview" to test out my links, and then when I returned to the compose window, everything was gone. Fuck, how irritating. There was no recourse, either. Couldn't go back or forward with my browser, and "undo" didn't work. Anyway. (I totally hate when shit like that happens.)

I showed Eduard this toy, and surprisingly he was unenthused. Aw, damn.

Shay was also disappointed about Pitt and Aniston's split. There's a movie coming out soon, though, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and she and I agreed that even if the movie totally blows, we'll go see it because the stars are so beautiful. Undoubtedly we're playing right into the studio's hands.

How's this for lame: I totally have to stop myself from asking Shay if Eduard slept with Katelyn while he and I were apart. I'm wondering because he went down on me and it was totally different from the way it was before. I probably shouldn't go there because we were, after all, split, so technically it's none of my business, but ... it still bothers me. So I'm small, okay? I'm weak. And no, I'm not going to put Shay in that position.

Aw, shit. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are splitting up. I don't know why I should give a shit about people I don't even know, but the news is definitely unwelcome. I'm sad for them. Kinda frustrated. Why can't people stay together?

Jesus I'm up too late. Supposed to go to the gym with Shay in the morning.

I'm not into, like, cinchers and stuff, but I think this is cute. I'd get it if I had an extra $400 lying around (as if).

Whoa. I know I said I wanted to get into some freaky shit, but ... whoa. There are definitely places I will not go. Whips? Hoods? Uh-uh. So how come when it looked liked I'd lost my opportunity to explore, I was climbing-the-walls-crazy-horny, and now that the opportunity is restored, I'm hesitant? Some of that leather gear looks just ... gross. I guess I'm only into the "BD" part of BDSM.

Sometimes I get so pissed off with myself. When Eduard's not here, I can get all worked up just thinking about him, but when he is here, I can't allow myself to let go for all the distractions and truly enjoy him. I hate that.

He's got so much experience with freaky shit that it kinda intimidates me. Gahhh, I guess I'm still one of those repressed people.

Having switched to Wellbutrin recently, and having my provider issue me the generic equivalent thereof, I have an older formula that you have to take twice a day. And last night I forgot. Crap. I find that annoying--I think it's hard enough to remember it once a day, let alone twice.

Woke up a bit out of it today. Gotta take a quick shower before going to the gym (which I find ironic) since I was a skank and didn't wash up yesterday. I'm so sore, but I noticed that my muscles healed a lot in my sleep.

Damn my dogs need baths. They don't ordinarily smell doggy, but right now--yuck.

Shay and I found the butt-machine at the gym. You have to get down on all fours and kick the weights back. It felt very awkward to be in that position in public! Shay mentioned that it's the sort of device one needs at home, hehehe. She wears tank-tops and is rather bosomy, and when she was on the machine she was busting out all over. I had to look at something else to stop myself from staring.

Eduard and I have talked about this. I find I'm sexually attracted to some women and could imagine having sex with them (wooo!), but actually falling in love and having a relationship with a woman sounds very alien and totally out of my scope. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hot for Shay. She has a nice rack and everything, ha ha, but I'm really enjoying our friendship lately.

Now how is that for candid?

Oh, while we're on the topic: Angelina Jolie. Say no more.

Fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, really hard. I was so out of it that I woke up in a panic. First words: "What the fuck time is it?" I was totally convinced that I'd missed my meeting time with Shay. It took me a long time to figure out that it was four o'clock that same day.

I'm so sore from working out yesterday ... even though I've jogged intermittently and have built up some endurance there, it's been a long time since I've worked out my upper body. So, my abs, lats, pecs, and arms are sore. But not unbearably so. It feels good.

I totally have to get my navel re-pierced and also get that tat I was talking about. Not sure if I want the tat on my right arm or on my pelvis. Wait. Got it. I'll get my kitten on my right arm and on my right front hip I'll get something delicate and floral that trails. That'll be cool.

Check out my astrology report:

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others
Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike. Find out more with your full-length report...

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, you are not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not know until you "sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive and intuitive. You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper than words. Find out more with your full-length report...

And no, I'm not going to pay to receive the full report.

Eduard and I are back together. I hate the term "back together" because it's so cliche and also smacks of those horrible, addicted-to-drama couples who have turmultuous, poisonous, on-and-off-again relationships.

But anyway, he came over today and it was good to be with him. Since I now know that he loves me so deeply, I feel my fear and lack of trust subsiding, and I feel myself opening up to him, mentally, physically and spiritually. It's wonderful.

And oh yeah, we had some awesome sex. Which was great, but secondary to just being with him. I liked stroking his hair and kissing his face.

It's important to note that he and I still need to have continuing dialogue in order to address things that went wrong before, or else the whole thing will be a waste of time.

Don't have time to get all instrospective because I have to meet Shay at the gym very shortly. For the past few days I've been exercising, which helps ease my tortured mind. Amazing, how beneficial it is to spend the energy elsewhere. Anyway, New Year's resolution bullshit aside, I'm making a commmitment to take better care of myself, physically and otherwise. I don't feel really good unless I'm physically fit. Shay's into it too, as she's just had some relationship shakeups as well.

I thought I had something else to say but I guess not.

Dusty Newspaper Clippings and other mental disorder

Monday, January 31, 2005

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Friday, January 28, 2005

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Monday, January 24, 2005

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Monday, January 17, 2005

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Monday, January 10, 2005

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Friday, January 07, 2005

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

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