Hm, well, it's over, and for good this time. This whole thing was a disaster right from the very start. Eduard and I spent the day together, attending Shay's daughter's birthday party. Then he had to dash home to do something while I waited in the car for him for 45 minutes. Then we went out to eat and afterward came over to my place. Well, he wanted to get it on right away and he was all over me hot and heavy, but I felt no response whatsoever, when usually he's got me open like a 7-11, to borrow a phrase. I'm not sure if that was hormonal or a culmination of the past few days when I came to the realization that I don't love him. I thought I did or I thought I could, but the truth is, I don't. Then I felt stuck because I didn't want to hurt him again. Well, that was foolish because he was hurt anyway. At the birthday party I saw him watching me as I interacted with the kids. Tonight, after the aborted makeout session, I told him I was worried because I didn't feel I could make a committment to him for the long term. He got angry and left, on foot since we'd driven my car. I drove around and found him but he wouldn't get in; he said, "Look, just go home, okay. I don't want to be around you anymore," and he shut the car door. I don't know how he's going to get home because he lives several miles away and also the weather is cold and blustery, but he's an adult.
It's fine. For the longest time I haven't been able to look him in the eye. I'm a serious shit.
I think I'll let Shay go. She and Eduard were friends before I was on the scene, and he'll need her. My heart is empty.
I feel sick.
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