I'd called Eduard yesterday, and asked him if we couldn't get together once more. This, as it turned out, was a very selfish, thoughtless, callous, disrespectful thing to do, which I realized as soon as I heard the pain in his voice. He phoned after having a shitty day full of mental turmoil (and gee, I wonder how that feels?) and we were on the phone for 2-1/2 hours. Inadvertently, I fucked with him in much the same way that my ex had fucked with me, which I'm very sorry about because I know what that feels like, and it isn't something I'd wish on anyone. The good thing is that it at least opened up some dialogue. I did feel as if a lot of things were unresolved and questions were unanswered between us, and after our conversation I feel I see the situation more clearly and know him a little better too.
He loves me so fully; nobody's ever loved me like that before. He said he'd control his drinking if that's what it takes to be with me, which refutes my opinion that he places alcohol first and foremost. Naturally, he wants to know what the fucking deal is, do I want to be with him or not (he didn't phrase it that way); he needs to protect himself from further hurt from me, and who can blame him.
I think over the past few months, a lot of things took place that provoked feelings--reactions--inside me, but I kept them inside rather than verbalizing them; I didn't even take time to identify and examine them, but shied away. I see that these things solidified within me and became absolutes. I can see us having a chance together if I learn to positively assert my needs and desires, identify my feelings and express them. If I don't rely on him solely to fulfill my emotional needs, which I saw myself doing on some scale. I think I need to draw a more distinct line between him and me, if that makes any sense. I would like to give it another try, but I'd need to exert more effort. Not at "it" or "him," but at "me."
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 11:04 AM
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