God, this place is such a fucking mess that I wouldn't even have Eduard over, even though he's already seen it. Oh, he never called, by the way. You know, one thing about him is that I didn't care for the way he kissed. Some guys I could kiss forever, but not him. Funny, him being such a satisfying lover and all.
I wish I could find that one article on the web that I'd found a few years ago, regarding a family training their airedale terrier to quit chasing the cats. Operant conditioning? Which reminds me, why is it that people who are zealous about obedience-training their dogs often enormous assholes?
I don't know why I still dwell on this so many years later, but it occurred to me today that my ex-husband was being "faithful" to his mistress (to put it politely) or skank ho bitch (to not). I mean like, the way he never wanted to go out and do anything with me. Just a random thought. Or perhaps not so random, given that today is the fifth year anniversary of his dumping me. Guess I wasn't meant to be with him in the new millenium. Sometimes I'm still so angry and hurt by the whole thing, so I prefer not to go there.
All those weekends spent "working." Goddammit! I was so stupid!
No, not stupid--trusting, which happens to be a very admirable quality.
Don't know why it still hurts so much. Maybe because it's four in the morning. Maybe because I needed an anniversary cry. Oh god, he left me so wounded, so broken. Yeah, I'd definitely say it's better to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. He made me feel that I can never give myself to somebody again. I wonder if that's why I collect all those useless hunks of plastic.
Paints was trying to comfort me as I cried. He's so sweet. He wasn't even born when it happened, and Beekie was only six months old (I adopted her when she was a year old). Funny to think she was already in the world. And G was a year old at that time.
There's only one person I've told about this blog, and that's my friend John in the San Francisco Bay Area. He's the only person I could tell when I had anal sex for the first time. Ol' Eduard had me doing things I'd never considered before. Funny, that.
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 3:09 AM
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