Despite knowing that I took the best possible action for myself, I feel somewhat like an ogre for breaking it off with Eduard. I know he hurts and I wish I could comfort him somehow. But what he has is a rampant disease and any amount of comfort I offer only has accommodating and enabling effects. I am fairly powerless, after all.
On a selfish note, am I ever going to find anyone as fun in bed, with confidence, experience and kink? But not too much kink. Eduard was hardcore, actually into the pain and stuff, which does NOT appeal to me, thank you very much. And don't tell me that I shouldn't discount it until I try it. I know I have a high pain tolerance and feel no reason to purposely test the limits. How is pain fun and good? WHATever.
One thing my shrink told me was that Eduard doesn't give a shit about my sleep/wake cycles or about my schoolwork, and she was right. I mean, he might have cared in theory but not in action. One thing I definitely will not miss is his scheduling: he doesn't go to sleep until four or five in the morning and then he sleeps all day. Something else I won't miss is hanging around in bars--what a waste of time! He and I never did any "normal" activity, like seeing a movie or something. Everything for him revolved around the piss. He used to bring beer over to my place to keep in the fridge. He'd get up in the middle of the night, chug a beer, and then brush his teeth and gargle with mouthwash as if that would keep me from finding out. Anyway.
I think it's a good thing I broke it off when I did, before I started to dislike or even hate him.
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 3:18 PM
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