My mind feels so dull lately.
Was reflecting while I was knitting. Back in Seattle toward the end of 1999, my ex was screwing around on me and I didn't figure it out until long after we'd separated. I knew he'd dumped me for somebody else but I didn't think he was unfaithful before I'd even departed. You see all those clues looking back.
He used to go to the city on Saturdays to "work." One time I was like, "Oh! I'll go with you!" because he worked in a cool neighborhood and I thought it would be fun to hang out awhile. He got this funny look on his face and goes, "Uh, yeah. Wait, I have to make a phone call." So he made the call in another room and we drove into town. I browsed around some stores and sat in a tea shop for a little while, just enjoying myself. I left the tea place and met my ex, who was walking toward me on the sidewalk. He was uncharacteristically angry at me. "Where have you been?" I said, "oh, in that tea shop over there; I had to turn off my cell while I was in there, sorry." Then he and I went to this cool little Indian restaurant across the street from his work. There, the waitress looked sharply at the two of us, me smiling guilelessly and wearing a wedding band, the ex squirming and unable to meet her gaze. After the meal I excused myself to visit the ladies' room and the waitress looked at me knowingly, as though she wanted to tell me something. When I got back to the table, the ex looked shit-scared, as if he feared the waitress might spill the beans. I wish she had because, despite all these obvious smacks over the head, I was oblivious.
Then on a later occasion when the ex said he had to go work and I wanted to go along, he wouldn't let me.
I just don't understand how someone can be so ... I just don't understand it. He took the trust that was fundamental to my very being and he threw it in my face. And looked me in the eye doing it. How can someone like that live with himself?
All I know is, I'll never be able to trust another person again.
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 10:01 PM
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