Monday, June 06, 2005

I feel Mike and I are engaged in a power struggle. He wants to change me to suit his perceptions of how a woman should be, and I'm just trying to get him to fuck me. Whether I'm successful or not remains to be seen, but the prospect recently became more dubious. Mike wrote this to me:

Say, have you ever thought of becoming a Christian and accepting Jesus as your
Lord and Savior? It's easy and it's actually a wonderful thing...I'd think you'd
enjoy it and of course it pays great dividends later on.

Was he kidding? I would have taken it as a joke except that there were no emoticons or anything like that. So I replied:

In regards to Christianity ... I respect others' beliefs and accept that it
works for them. Christianity doesn't work for me, though; it goes against my
ideals and temperament. Growing up in the Bible belt left a very bad taste in my
mouth, having experienced scorn and derision of classmates because I didn't
conform to how they thought I "should" be. In my experience, religion
contributes to judgment against others. Additionally, I dislike the patriarchal
aspects touted by religions. I've felt that I've had to struggle against
society's perceptions of what roles I should inhabit as a woman. Today, I feel
I've reached a certain peace within myself and with my place in the Universe. I
understand that there's a higher power and I work to communicate with and become
a part of it. I work to be the best person I can be, endeavoring to overcome my
pettier traits, and though I sometimes stumble, I know that I'm a good person.
That satisfies my needs more than the visible, conventional trappings of
worship.
GodDAMN, it cheeses me off when people insinuate that I won't make the cut for "Heaven" because I don't believe what they do. Who the hell are they to say?

All I want is for him to fuck me. Why is that so difficult????? I can't get laid to save my life. I couldn't even get arrested.

Spoken like a truly sexually-frustrated thirty-something. Fucking sex drive and sexual functionality make their appearances when there are no means to my end.

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