The cats are totally jumping around all over the place, little nocturnal fiends.
Whenever I had a sore throat as a kid, my mom would make me gargle with salt water, which I hated with a passion, but it worked. I just gargled with salt water for my throat, which is been really hurting on and off for several days, but I made the solution with sea salt, which didn't taste nearly as bad.
Questioning myself, wondering what's going on with me. Why do I feel attracted to my English teacher? Am I responding to what I sense is her attraction to me? And if so, why? What would I want to happen? Do I want to kiss a woman, be with a woman sexually, or do I just want companionship? It occurs to me that I don't have any friends in "real" time. I feel John is one of my closest friends and we've never even met. I was developing a friendship with Shay but then I lost her. What I have in my life is just what I'd call transient acquaintances. Sometimes that's okay with me but then sometimes I feel lonely. I don't expect this thing with Mike to have any permanence
I fantasize about being with a woman in bed, but the reality would be way different. I mean, people have rape fantasies but that doesn't mean they want it to happen. I need to bring this up with my shrink, who's a lesbian, but for some reason I've always been shy about this aspect--or non-aspect, whatever the case may be--of my sexuality.
What's ironic is, say I married Mike, a guy seventeen years my junior. My family would approve overall, but I'd spend the rest of my life, or however long the marriage lasted, struggling to maintain my identity in the face of his ultra-conservatism. I mean, he tolerates me well now, but I know he'd start chipping away at me (religion, body art, etc.) if we were together long term. But, say I got together with a woman who'd understand and accept me implicitly. My family would hit the roof, perhaps even disown me. Not that I really give a shit about my parents, but my brother and his wife, especially his wife, are, well, bigoted conservatives. They'd probably cut off my association with niecey in case lesbianism was catching.
And why do we have to call people "lesbians" anyway? Or "bisexual," or whatever. When the only issue at stake is two people wanting to be together.
I do know that if I had any respect and caring for "English teacher" at all, I would leave her out of my confusion; it's not her job or anyone else's, except maybe my shrink's, to coach me through a sexual identity crisis.
Another issue that comes up is, every time I go out with somebody, which is not very frequently at all, it's usually in response to his interest in me. Why the passivity? However, the very few times I've felt interest in someone, it hasn't worked out: either my feelings aren't reciprocated, or the situation's inappropriate for some reason. I swore to myself after last time, not to initiate anything again. It's like that stupid book, The Rules. I hate it, but I think it's true, that the woman needs to feel certain the guy's really interested and not just along for the ride.
Oh hell, what do I know, I'm just spewing garbage now. I'm going back to bed.
10:34 AM
I wish someone had invented a hands-free method of holding the cup of saline water to the newly-pierced navel; typing with one hand sucks.
Had a crying fit this morning and Missy consoled me. What a sweetheart.
Yesterday my notification letter regarding the urologist appointment arrived. July 12--at 8:20 in the morning! Savages! I gotta figure out a way to get there without using the freeway and getting stuck in rush-hour traffic; it can be done.
I wonder if my sexuality--well, not if, but how--has been altered by my sexual abuse. Really looking forward to talking with my doc about it. She's not the type of shrink who answers questions with a question--thank gawd. If I hear, "and how does that make you feel?" one more time, I think I'll puke.
One of the hair care products I bought over the weekend was a firm hold gel from Joico. It works GREAT. I'm so sick of my hair in the summer heat and humidity that I've decided to wear it in a knot at the back of my head and held in place by a scrunchie, and the gel takes care of any fly-aways or anything. Hair stayed in place all day long. I sound like a commercial, but if you need gel, this stuff is it.
Funny how, if I find a product I really like, I want to go tell everyone about it. Use this, use this!
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 4:16 AM
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