Slept pretty hard last night. I don't think I’m going to run today because I'm going to make a dent in my apartment. Gotta do it anyway since I'm moving. I'm probably gonna work up a huge sweat in the process. Good thing for my asthma meds because I'm going to be stirring up a lot of dust and cat hair.
Newman's lying on the couch looking impossibly adorable. I could just smooch all over his little face, but he doesn't like that.
Funny about the sociology class, I learned things I hadn't anticipated. Like, it helped me heal some wounds left by the marine corps and other experiences. Just reading the brief section regarding Philip Zimbardo's interest in losing self-identity was a revelation, about his experiment with a mock prison and college students randomly assigned the roles of guards and prisoners. Even after a few days the subjects of the experiment were so immersed in their roles that they lost their former identities. In my life I've always felt shame and a sense of failing about my performance as a recruit. I was like a whipped dog scurrying around with its tail between its legs, waiting for the next blow, while the drill instructors and stronger recruits lorded over me. I find this painful and embarrassing to write about, and I seldom, if ever, talk about it with others. Then, a bit later in my life, I had internalized the subservient role of "secretary," hating every minute of it, feeling I was smarter than that, but somehow believing that I didn't deserve better. Learning the "sociological" angle was a freeing agent for me; it contradicted the "psychological," where I, and my weak psyche, were to blame. I've never felt such a sense of peace and acceptance of myself as I do now, in my role of student. I feel freed.
Oddly enough, Eduard helped me heal too. With him I learned that I wasn't permanently sexually damaged as a result of my early abuse. Also, he and I talked, probably inordinately, about our exes. I guess I needed to be heard and share some laughs at the ex's expense.
Mike reminds me in an unidentifiable way of my former brother-in-law, Nick. They're both Taursus, and both possess a sort of "golden" quality about their physical appearances. Anyway, I remember Nick telling me once, "He's my brother; I know him better than you do." Internally I thought, bullshit. I figured that since the ex and I had been writing for months and revealing our innermost thoughts to one another, that I should know him better. Little did I guess at the time that the ex was only revealing what he wanted me to see, and what I wanted to see. The ex was like that line from Madonna's song where she says he's an actor reciting his lines. He doesn't know who he is, and with me he was trying on a new persona to see if it fit. Guess what? It didn't.
Contrary to how it sounds, I'm pleased to be rid of him. I chose someone who is lacking character and integrity at his core, and I certainly don't want people like that in my life. I guess I bemoan the fact that I lost so much time because of him, ten years total. Five years with him and five years to get over him. Could be worse I guess.
6:53 PM
I was reflecting earlier that I've begun to view sex differently. I don't know if it had anything to do with Eduard or not. In the past, probably as a result of my upbringing and the reinforcement of gender roles in the military, I viewed sex as an extracurricular activity, a melding of body parts that might or might not feel good. Although a part of me sought affection through sex, I didn't regard sex as an expression or means of emotional intimicacy. Lately I'm beginning to see sex as just that a physical reinforcement of the connection of the spirit.
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 11:42 AM
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