Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I've never been particularly maternal. The sight of puppies and kittens elicits the "awww" factor in me far more than human babies. And for the past several days I've been reading dooce.com, where she chronicles her depression, especially after having a baby, and it makes me doubly glad I never had one. I was raised by an emotionally unstable mother and I see no point on passing on the legacy. Plus, given my energy levels, I don't see how I could possibly cope with the responsibility. In addition, I'm selfish, I don't want to give up my freedom -- I don't want an obligation of that magnitude. I'm glad I came to an awareness and broke out of my indoctrination of societal roles; I mean, growing up, it was standard to say, "when I have a baby..." and not question whether or not it would happen.

Missy's in my lap. She's the most assertively affectionate of the bunch. Woke up this morning steaming hot, and found Missy sleeping on my neck. Newman and Peep are wrestling on the couch.

No particular "reason" to post right now, except to avoid all the things that need taking care of. It's raining and I'm feeling somewhat dull and blah, although that's most likely not the result of the weather.

You know, even when I was a kid, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. My playmates would say, "I want to be a teacher," or "I want to be a nurse," and I never knew. I never could visualize the future, and now I'm kinda living in the moment, like a dog does, because that's all I can handle without feeling overwhelmed and panicked. I really really really really really can't believe I'm nearly 40.

posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 3:15 PM

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