A few things. First of all, despite Eduard's purported perceptiveness, insight, and sensitivity, he is resoundly and profoundly unempathetic (whether that's a word or not) to my side of things. Absolutely cannot, or will not, see my viewpoint at all.
And I know, I know, that one day he's gonna get himself all cleaned up, get his shit together, for someone else. I know that's gonna happen as sure as I know the sun's gonna come up here within the hour or so. And when that happens I'll just fucking bitch-slap him. "Love," my ass.
In contrast to the previous paragraph, I don't use the L-word with him, and I'd never say this to him or anyone I know, but he's quickly turning into a big loser. No job, spends every single day in bars mooching off his friends. He said something jokingly to Shay about not having to pay his way as long as he "lays the pipe right," and this quip is sitting very poorly with me right now. Is that the way he saw me? He was my gigolo?! Was he that utilitarian about our relationship? Was I that naïve?
I can't even afford a gigolo.
Right now I'm sorely wishing that I hadn't agreed to see him, because it's put me in a place I don't want to be. Before, I had emerged from this relatively unscathed--comparatively speaking. Now, I'm a mess, losing my mind. One notable thing that's changed is that before, I wished him well. Now, I can't. Maybe I will someday, but not now.
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 5:22 AM
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