Saturday, January 01, 2005

Before I was so certain of my decision to break it off with Eduard and relieved to be done with him. I'm still those things, but before I didn't hurt and now I do. I do love him. I met him today over ice cream. He wanted to know if there was anything that could be done to facilitate our relationship. We tap-danced around the issue for a while until I finally just said, "I think you're an alcoholic," to which he replied, "I know I'm an alcoholic." I'd never said that word to him before, see. I then said, "I don't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic." The only way I could consider being with him is for him to get cleaned up, and he's stated clearly before, and again tonight, that he doesn't want to. So that's it. I guess he really doesn't love me all that much, not as much as his booze, but I already knew that. I guess he won't be fucking me sideways until doomsday. Even though I was the one who broke it off, it seems that it didn't quite have a ring of finality until now.

Goddammit. It was a lot better when it didn't hurt. I miss him. I don't even feel like jerking off.

posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 6:06 PM

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