Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Dreams, dreams, holy crap. Last night they ran the gambit (didn't take my Effexor), merging seamlessly from one to another. Back in the corps, serving during a war, but I was stateside at first; there was this opulent banquet for everyone to celebrate some occasion or other, but at the restaurant there was a t.v. (well, many t.v.'s, one over each table, but all set to the same station) running a story about marines in the desert who had run out of food and were slowly starving to death -- I, and everyone, felt disgusted and pushed our plates away. I started to cry, which is odd because usually it's animal-related things that are more apt to make me cry, so does that mean that deep down inside I'm more empathetic than I realize? Then a long, drawn-out sequence where I'm standing trial for something I didn't do and knowing nothing about the circumstances I couldn't even defend myself, but it all proved to be a test of some kind, which I passed and was inducted into some kind of exclusive group of women, still in the military, where we had to protect some official, like the pope or something (Charlie's Angels?). This group was provided with a bunch of expensive clothing and whatnot and I found that some of the clothes given me were inappropriate, like a babydoll dress. Even in my dream I said, "there's no way I can wear that." However, I also got this kick-ass pair of boots and a cream-colored tailored wool skirt, which fit beautifully (does this mean that I'll reconsider wearing skirts?). My high-school-best-friend-who-dumped-me was also in this special service and made friendly appearances throughout. I had to join the other women for P.T. (physical training) but had to catch up with them because I was still procuring my P.T. uniform, so when I was running across the base by myself I could hear male marines all over the place making comments and catcalls. Back in the day, in real life, that made me feel very uncomfortable, but in the dream I didn't care, I was like, "whatever they want to do is up to them." When I ran it felt really good, I was flying over ridges and leaping over obstacles. Well, anyway.

High school and the marine corps has irrevocably warped my mind!

I thought of a way to get around that floppy-free lab: copy a Werrrd document onto my camera card and then take the camera and cord to plug into the computer there. Good idea, but it didn't work: the camera wouldn't take a non-image format. But you know, I could buy an external drive that would fulfill the same purpose. I think I'll do that. That way, I won't forget my disk, which I keep doing. I'm down to my last zip disk, and I left that in the veterans' lab yesterday. >:-[

Wait, I'll paste the text into a .jpg file and try that. See, this floppyless lab has put a crimp in my style. I haven't written much at home, knowing I couldn't post it anyway, and I've missed my pointless musings.

Man, I put all this work into this stupid-ass Crissy dress and nobody's bidding on it. Poo. I was sure people would be all over that bad boy. Maybe I'll try a different one. I need to find a way to make money on eBay other than repaints; I've *totally* lost my desire to repaint, and I think it's costing me my eyesight besides.

The cats are hungry. I'm out of the food they like and only have the food they don't. Don't have any money to buy them anything else, but when I do I'll look for a holistic food that's prepared as needed and not stockpiled. I think the Natural Balance is probably a good food, but who knows how old it is?

Should I go for a run or not? I used to love running, love it. It made me feel powerful. But, as I've recently reflected, lots of things changed with the advent of my antidepressants. Not that I've ever been bursting with energy (not since my early teens, anyway), but I seem to have even less now. Plus, my emotions run so flat, there's no sense of motivation or urgency (ustabe, the only way I got something accomplished was borne out of a sense of panic about an approaching deadline). Of course that's welcome in a sense, because my pain used to be so crippling and now at least I can function. Maybe I should go to the VA and see about getting my meds adjusted or something. But I really hate to fuck with something that's not badly broken. I could easily be worse.

2:57 PM

One thing that I'm so glad I don't need to listen to anymore is my shrink saying, "When you're 80, you're going to look back and wish that you'd done something with your life." You know, I don't need to take that kind of shit from a fucking shrink.

GAWD she said so many hurtful things. Surely that's not what shrinkdom is all about?

4:07 PM
I guess inspired by my dreams, I went for a jog. Maybe not the best idea in the world. My limbs felt like they were cast from lead. My breathing wasn't all that great, even though I'd tooted my asthma stuff, and the cool breeze gave me an earrache. I'm gonna have to knit myself one of those headbands that go around your ears.

posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 12:01 PM

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home

eXTReMe Tracker