I was on Accutane in 2000. That, and the stress and depression resulting from my divorce, caused my hair to fall out. It was down to about 2/3 to 1/2 thickness at one point, and it's never quite recovered. It seems that as soon as I regain some hair growth, it goes through another spate of loss. I'm in a "losing" state right now. Sure wish I could have my hair as thick as it was, but oh well. There's more important things.
I'm gonna be gone for a week at the Las Vegas dolly convention. In addition to the convention stuff, I hope to meet up with some old friends who've since moved to Las Vegas, including Peggy and Shannon. Seems like lots of people I've known gravitated there, like Kerry, the copy guy I was talking about several entries back. Last I heard, he was going there to become an elementary school teacher.
Anyway, I leave tonight and don't return until next Monday, and I probably won't have internet access during my absence. I've got Anne, my dolly buddy, coming over a couple of times to check on the kitties. Poor kitties, I don’t want to be away from them for so long. I know I said I'd have to cut my association with Anne, which makes me a big hypocrite, but what I think my approach needs to be is to remind myself that what she says is a result of whatever her issues are and have nothing to do with me. She's cranky sometimes; she's older and has a lot of health problems.
Sometimes I realize that I haven't made nearly the progress I would like in undoing the conditioning of my upbringing, in regards to my outlook on situations and other people. I don't want to be some gullible, naïve Pollyanna, but I don't want to be a completely self-defeating, negative, suspicious trog like my mom, bless her little heart.
My typing's for shit right now, so if anything slips by the cracks I apologize, she said, as an electric dizzy spell whizzed through the left side of her head, a result of Effexor withdrawal.
Oh and Jesus Christ, I've been dreaming a lot about my ex lately -- WTF?! He'd been blissfully absent from my dreams and my thoughts for the longest time -- why now.
Yesterday I re-read a February 2004 issue of Oprah, which contained many articles of interest. One of them was on recovering from devastating breakups. One thing mentioned was, what was it, "...savoring his good qualities is essential to maintaining a balanced view of what happened." Well, I married a man who had no idea who he was as a person. When he met me, he donned a new personality to see how it would fit, and guess what, five years later he decided it didn't. Instead of being direct, he had affairs behind my back and acted like an asshole so I had no choice but to confront him, but I still didn't learn about his infidelity, or the extent, until much later, both through direct evidence and piecing together missed clues. Honestly, I don't see what's salvageable about that: all our time together, all the good things, it was all a big lie.
An example of a sign figured out long after the fact: I was in NYC and had an appointment with a tattoo artist. Over the phone, the ex, back in Seattle, asked very specific questions about what time my appointment was and how long it would last. So, you see, he knew that I wouldn't be calling during that time and he arranged a "rendezvous" (a stupid word if I ever heard one). When I returned and showed him my tattoo, he "had to" take me immediately, and it was rude and coarse. Afterward he couldn't look me in the eye; instead he said, "what?" Of course the reason he had to fuck me was because the tattoo reminded him of the time he had with his ho-bitch-scag-skank. That was, by the way, the last time he fucked me and the last time I had sex for nearly five years.
GodDAMN, why am I going here. There are times I don't feel healed at all; meanwhile, he's carried on with his life many times over.
I'm due for my period, so that might be a factor.
Another article in the Feb 2004 Oprah magazine was an interview with Jennifer Aniston, wherein she talked a lot about her relationship with Brad Pitt. She loved and trusted him implicitly. In hindsight, it's sad, and it makes me so angry. Angry at Pitt for leaving and angry at Jolie who, just because she's beautiful and sexy, doesn't have the right to go after other women's husbands. I know this is none of my business and that I'm projecting my own situation onto theirs, but still. I think in some men's minds, love is a transient thing.
And I'm supposed to have a relationship again? Make myself vulnerable again to this pain that nearly killed me? Chya. Career. That's my goal. Make a career that I love, that's emotionally, spiritually and materially rewarding. That's it. I've got nothing left over.
posted by Newpeep, N.D. (neurotic depressive) @ 2:01 PM
2 Comments:
wow, that was descriptive...although I didnt need to know that you were due for your period. I think that we would all be alot happier if we were in my church...you need us.
E.M.: Piss off.
Hi Meow, I wish you could kittysit too, but Anne cares a lot about animals and is very trustworthy. I'm gonna have to find a way to pay her back for her time, effort and gas money. I'll take lots of pics!
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